No Sex Please, We're Brutish! by Spiros Doikas

Author:Spiros Doikas [Doikas, Spiros]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 148264083X
Publisher: CreateSpace
Published: 2013-03-27T00:00:00+00:00

Goodness and wisdom to the vile seem vile;

Filths savour but themselves.

—Albany in William Shakespeare’s King Lear, Act IV, sc. ii. 38

But English gratitude is always such,

To hate the hand which doth oblige too much.

—Daniel Defoe, The True-Born Englishman, Part 2, 867-8

Soon after I had moved into Halls of Residence and was sharing a house with seven natives, strange things started happening that seemed to defy a series of natural laws: the milk tended to evaporate, the cheese to shrink, the mushrooms to fly out of the fridge—not that I personally witnessed such unorthodox phenomena (and at times I even thought that there might be some correlation with the weather), or had the slightest idea of how they could have taken place.

It remained an enigma until one day, in my readings of Marx and Engels, I chanced upon the fact that Engels himself had visited Redbrick during the industrial revolution. In fact, he lived in a house whose top storey is now a Hall of Residence; there he had his first revolutionary conceptions regarding an uprising of the working class. Suddenly, the whole universe regained its composure, and I regained my shattered confidence in the laws of physics. It was simple: I was living in a commune, sharing lodgings with true-blue comrades, direct descendants of the glorified Engelian lineage—proto-communism revisited!

However, in the recesses of my rational mind, so overwhelmed by this joyous discovery of native solidarity, there were still some niggling doubts: I had to put my assumption to the test. And the test consisted simply in allowing myself to share their comestibles the same way I welcomed them to share mine. But I didn’t: it was, I felt, incumbent upon my culinary self-respect to avoid consuming processed foods and especially low quality meat products. And, I believe, sensitive as they were, they perceived this, and kindly refrained from offering the occasional No-Frills pork sausage or even a masterly prepared feast of beans on toast.

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